“Titi, if I was told that you could demolish beer with this dexterity, I would spit the truth out of such a claim. But here you are, telling me by the demonstration of your drinking acumen, sorry, acuwomen, that what a man can drink, a woman can drink much more.”
“Uncle Kay, stop pulling my legs joo; what’s the big deal in finishing off four bottles in two hours? In actual fact, you should have called me a snail. If Betty had been here, she would have frowned at my embarrassingly slow pace in the execution of this drinking project.”
“So, for how long would she have expected you to download four bottles’? Well, it’s hard coming across brewery certified babes like you, but once you come across one, it’s always in a big way.”
“Perhaps, but do you know I was trained how to drink to standard, by my Ex? He was a nice dude working in a new generation bank. Once he closed from work at around 8pm, he had a ‘coven’ in Surulere where we used to hang out.”
“Was he the one you said deflowered you, put a project in your tummy and took you for abortion where a friend sighted you and later informed your Dad?”
“Ah, you journalists are always with your retentive memory. To think that you have taken five bottles so far and your brain is still this sharp! Well, I know that if we start dating as you have proposed, it will last at least a decade, because we look compatible.”
“Chai, my head is swelling o. Charles is not around to congratulate me for this low-hanging fruit, waiting to be plucked. Yes, let Christie bring us a plate of catfish apiece, which I will demolish with one more bottle of beer, criminally cold, mortuary standard.”
“You don spoil. Anyway, that’s why I like you. Unlike your ‘predecessor in office’ who was always frigid and too formal, you are caring, jovial and loving. That guy would not crack jokes to tickle my brain and put me in the right mood. Anyway, I’ll still give him some pass mark because he was very diligent in giving me regular bank alerts.”
“I am sure I am not as diligent as he was in the latter quality. Money, as you have professed, is not everything. A woman also needs you in action, to make her feel like a babe. You should say sweet jabbers into her ears, tell her she has no faults, and then, do wondrously in the other room.”
“Yes, ‘the other room’ you talked about reminded me of how some guys were criticising President Buhari this morning. (You know the President is the architect of ‘the other room’ slang). They said he greatly favours granting amnesty to repentant Boko Haram insurgents…”
“Don’t go too far, sweetheart. The whole story on the insurgents cum bandits is now convoluted, like the horns of a well ‘testicled’ ram. You know there is the common belief that the federal government is already overwhelmed and it is left with no other option than to change tactics.”
“How do you mean, Alan Kay? My man who sees Aso Rock clearly from a beer parlour.”
“Yes, hic…hic…the approach is to pardon those who are ready to come to repentance, draw them close and sieve needed information from them, although at the risk of being conned by the so-called born-again hoodlums.”
“Ehn enh, that’s where I am headed. What of if they later backslide and regroup to launch well-planned rebellion against the federal government? Almost like what is happening now in Afghanistan, where the pardoned Taliban betrayed America and overthrew the sitting government in their home.”
“Titistic, never mind. Leave them with their wahala. After all, Buhari would have left government before the plot could become that thick. That’s a Cross for whoever succeeds him, or whoever succeeds those who succeeded him.”
“So as a journalist, why didn’t you go cover Buhari’s son’s wedding in Kano? Or were you afraid of Hisbah, so they don’t get you castrated?”
“You are close to answering your question. How will I survive the revelry of a wedding ceremony without bottles of beer? That’s sacrilege to a liquor veteran like me.”
“And above all, the way opulence was displayed on the day, especially by the private jet owners, can make a financially be-troubled man contemplate suicide. So in a way, Buhari did well by not inviting the poor.”
“Oh, lucky me; to have emerged the reigning Ronaldo of an intelligent babe like you. One who can see through the facade and make the pretension that is the Nigerian society collapse before the reality of whirling beer…ah ..ah ..ah.”
“Love; guess you would go on the sixth bottle while I sign off on the seventh, so we can go to the other room and rest. Or what do you think?”
“I do not possess the qualification to oppose your motion, and if I fail to take you to the other room, you may come under the temptation of openly criticising me for derailing from my pre-intoxication promise.”
“Yeah, I love the blending of this beer; may the Lord continue to flourish this brewery. They are improving on the quality of their products every day.”
“Surely, the herbs newly introduced into the lager are intended principally for the guys, to enhance libido by increasing the intensity of the turgidity of one’s manh…”
“Stop, stop. Stop there! A teenage girl is approaching, right at the door of this joint. We are long lost and so, should not allow people of their age to get lost this early in life.”
“My dearly beloved one, it’s good you are sounding this sanctimonious. That’s a testimony to the fact that I’m eternally sold to a complete woman. So, let’s go to the other room, to also complete the project.”
