INTIMATE AFFAIRS: Before your bull wanders off


Husbands can and do defect because defection is a two-way street. If wives can defect, so can husbands. If a woman doesn’t get too old for touching and pampering, a man is also entitled to warmth, kiss and cuddle. A bull is always a bull. His charging power may reduce but charge he must. He doesn’t even want to be told or reminded that he’s not charging hard like of old. He may not be as fast and furious as he was 30 years ago but it is still dangerous to leave a bull unattended.

Unfortunately, many busy sisters not only leave their bulls untethered, they also leave the doors of the stalls open and I ask myself, what meaneth thou when you do such a thing, girl? Who takes that kind of risk just because she’s busy? If he’s an old bull, getting his batteries discharged most likely won’t take long, so what’s the point of ignoring him? He is no longer hard work, unlike before when you had to beg him to release you. Just check out his batteries and do the needful regularly. Indeed, sometimes you may not have to do any downloading. Just plug and unplug. However, to think that a month charging doesn’t need discharging is like using a snake’s head to scratch your nose. In other words, your ageing bull still needs tender loving care if you don’t want him to ‘japa’.

I hate to admit it, but older men when confronted with perky breasts and firm waist simply forget their age and wisdom.

Somehow, I am worried today about my sisters in public office: the deputy governors, state and federal lawmakers, directors-general, professors, special advisers and special assistants. They have been on my mind all week. Something tells me that one or some of them have untethered bulls roaming, roaring around, seeking who to devour. Let me share, in part, what happened to a certain female politician who thought she had her husband where she wanted him – a calm bull who no longer needed warmth or care. Of course, he wandered off once, then again and again until he set up a new farm settlement, where he sharpened his old tools again. By the time our busy female politician realised her bull was neither tired nor retired, it was harvest time. Old bull had harvested a brand new son, which looked exactly like his first son but is the same age as his latest grandson. Did you just say ‘wow’? Exactly! A 64-year-old woman would have reached menopause but a 64-year-old man’s still got enough kick to demolish a 30-year-old pretty young thing. Whoever came up with the term “menopause” was a mean chauvinist.

This my ‘Honourable’ friend is a politician based in Abuja and her businessman husband ran the family business in Lagos. The children are all grown. Oga is in his 60s and my friend thought her marriage was safe, home and dry. I mean, what could possibly threaten a marriage of three decades? What could a grandfather of two still be looking for outside his home? Plenty, I tell you. It turns out that sometimes grandfathers are too randy and needy to hang their boots. They may not be able to compete in 100-metres dash and marathons but many men will always be in the race until they load them off in a coffin. Anger and exasperation aside, if you leave your vegetables within the reach of a goat, you are not supposed to blame the goat. An old man needs his duvet; old rickety bones need pampering. A man whose wife already considers and treats like a ‘quarter-to-go’ won’t need any big push to fall into the temptation of a pretty 30-year-old thing (PYT) who calls him “baby” and flatters him endlessly. I hate to admit it, but older men when confronted with perky breasts and firm waist simply forget their age and wisdom. While his wife of 30 years teases him about his once-upon-a-time black afro, his PYT (Pretty Young Thing) tells him his gray hair is ‘sooo sexy’. While his grandma wife takes a business class return ticket in her stride, his PYT, after flying business class, wants to ‘come over and give him a treat he will never forget.’ You see?

Anyway, that was how, I think, Chief, the husband of my older friend fell for a PYT. And pretty she was! Pregnant too by the same time Madam found out. Now, the ‘new couple’ has a brand new son. When I saw the little guy, he’s about the same age of Chief’s newest grandson. That’s right, he knocked up a girl old enough to be his daughter and he’s making babies who should be his grandbabies.

My ‘auntie’ who thought her marriage is in a safe harbour is bewildered beyond mercy, especially because as a titled man, Chief cannot have his child living outside like a bastard. You can figure how it ended.

Bottomline: your marriage is not home and dry if your husband can still get it up. Your business must not infringe on your husband’s needs and warmth ever, forever. That’s what my auntie did not realise on time. Now she is too miserable to even concentrate on her political career.

Sometimes it is the omugwo business that forces some husbands to embark on second missionary journeys. It’s a sadly common practice in this part of the world for women to fall out of ‘love’ with their husbands as soon as grandchildren start arriving. Most men are forced to befriend their pillows and television sets when their wives migrate to do omugwo.

Not that there is anything wrong with omugwo in itself. It is the neglect that the grandfathers suffer that I find unpardonable. It is unfair to punish a man because God has blessed him with long life and a bouncing grandbaby. Let me quickly, as a woman, admit that many women use the omugwo season to punish their men for the past years of loneliness and neglect. They stay longer than they are welcomed in their in-laws’ homes just so that their husbands can feel what it is like to be alone and lonely like they had to endure as younger wives and women.

What if omugwo migration is not what forced a man to embark on a second missionary journey? Some women are just too busy for their own good. They work, work, chase money until they ‘generously’ donate their husbands to other women.

So, darling, highflying senior babes, don’t become overconfident just because you have celebrated your 25th wedding anniversary; keep an eye or both eyes on your bull before he wanders off somewhere

Take the case of Lillian, successful Lillian, Madam Government Contractor, highflyer big babe. She made more money than her husband. She bought the house they live in. Her husband’s friends envied him but this old man eventually celebrated his 60th birthday alone. Why? His pretty and ambitious wife was away to Abuja for an ‘unavoidable’ meeting.

Of course, she eventually threw a five-star birthday party for him as compensation. That’s the way Lillian rolls. She just felt her husband was hers forever, until one day she woke up to find out that ‘Prof’ had impregnated this 29-year-old pretty young thing and rented an apartment for her with money Lillian thought could solve all problems. Prof had a different idea.

‘Lillian remains my wife but since she is never around, I decided to find myself a young lady who’d watch TV with me, keep me warm on rainy nights and accompany me to functions. I have only this one life and I do not want to live it alone day in, day out. I do not begrudge Lillian her success. I’m proud of her but I have needs and this young nurse is what an old man needs to feel young again.’ That was Baba’s explanation.

So, darling, highflying senior babes, don’t become overconfident just because you have celebrated your 25th wedding anniversary; keep an eye or both eyes on your bull before he wanders off somewhere.

*Egbemode (egbemode3@gmail.com)

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