“Let’s go straight to the point; because, apart from Charles my friend, I don’t want other guys who will join us soon to know anything about my extended family’s hullabaloo.”
“Kay, must you blow grammar over this little quarrel between your sister and her husband? And besides, Kunle, her statutory owner, is a member of our beer parlour. So, your judgement, in this case, can never be fair. A drunk will always rule in favour of a drunk.”
“Charles, I’m afraid you are a man of little faith. Who told you I cannot resolve the crisis between Tola and her husband? If I am going to rule in favour of husband because he’s a fellow beer drinker, will I not also support his wife because she is my blood sister?”
“You crook; I know you’ll always find an escape route. Okay, before your peace-keeping mission, kindly tell Joy, your tenderly built bar attendant to give us our drips of beer, criminally cold, mortuary standard.”
“Ah! uncle, stop saying such a bad thing. Why are you pronouncing mortuary on the drinks you people want to take?” (The men laugh).
“Look, Tola, don’t mind Charles; he is an Ajegunle Boy. So expect any refined gutter word from him…yes, by the way, what’s the cause of the problem between you and your husband?”
“Thank you, brother. On Tuesday, last week, I went to see my tailor at Surulere, to gear her up in sewing my ‘aso ebi’ ahead of that funeral slated for the weekend. So I took another route on my way home, only to see this miserable-looking woman at a beer joint with my husband…”
“What did she do and how miserable could she have looked?”
“Thank you Uncle Charles. Can you imagine that this woman was smooching my husband where he sat? She planted her big-for-nothing, God-forsaken breasts on his neck.”
“She planted…mmm…when she is not a farmer. Anyway, Tola, I know how troubled you could be over this matter. As my sister, I know the extent to which you can get upset over a thing like this. But this woman in question, what’s her age like?”
“I think she should be over 40…And to think that she did not want to let go when I called out on my husband…Oh, I will report her to the God that I serve!”
“Don’t get worked up lady, Kay will resolve it. He’s an expert in that area. But you have been taking your soft drink since, with nothing to tantalise it. Let Joy give you a plate of stock-fish pepper soup; just don’t mind its excessive ‘pepperishness’.”
“Grammatical Charles. You won’t kill us with your impossible coinage. Okay, dear Tola, this is my verdict: your husband is not promiscuous. That lady that seized his neck with her mammary is well known to me. If I were there, she would do the same to me. She is the owner of the beer parlour. That is her marketing strategy to retain male customers.”
“Through romance with other people’s husbands? So, brother, you are birds of the same feather…in fact, I shouldn’t have brought my case here.”
“You have not allowed me to land…this lady is called Container, a name in honour of her outward endowments, both on the torso and in the waist region. But I respect her for one thing: if you toast her or overstep your bounds while she is playing with you, she will just finish you up, with polite insults.”
“Oh, you mean it? But she is making a mistake; how many wives will understand that she is harmless? So, I better forget about the issue.”
“Didn’t I tell you that your brother will resolve the quarrel? Kay, please, we need to replace our bottles, they have ‘leaked’. And above all, my beer appetite is sharp today.”
“Then you are not a patriotic citizen. Not when your darling Super Eagles were disgraced here in Lagos by a poorly rated Central Africa Republic team.”
“That is their cup of team, sorry, tea. When would they not lose when their coach was busy getting sandwiched in-between voluptuous women around town?”
“Isn’t that slanderous against a saint-looking Rohr? Oh, lest I forget, Your dancer friend, Senator Demola Adeleke is back on the stump; he wants to be governor of Osun State again.”
“So is that why he is starting on a controversial note, by promising to buy a private jet for the Ooni of Ife?”
“Hmm, hic, not quite. The palace has come out to explain that he was tactically asking the royal father to come patronise his rental jets, knowing the Ooni travels a lot.”
“Oh, really? That reminds me of the Sword of Damocles’ scenario of about four years ago, how the Supreme Court verdict on Osun governorship went in favour of current Governor Gboyega Oyetola. The verdict, for me, was disappointing because the apex court denied the pyrotechnically fecund Adeleke a golden opportunity to dance in his peculiarly riotous format.”
“Hmmm, what a coinage: peculiarly riotous format. However, I see that victory as victory for the APC national leader, Asiwaju Bola Tinubu. Remember Governor Oyetola is said to be his nephew, as they both hail from Iragbiji, an Osun community.”
“Of course. So now that Tinubu, the Jagaban; a man of timber and caliber, is back home after his medical tour of London, will that era of political pilgrimage to London by favour-seeking, eye-service politicians not cease, naturally?”
“Please, let’s leave these politicians with their inscrutable mutation. Lest I forget, what’s the outcome of your daughter’s joint matriculation exams she sat for sometimes ago?”
“Oh, I didn’t tell you; she passed with good scores. She’ll soon gain admission into one of these universities.”
“Great! She resembles her dad, but not with excessive beer drinking and unbeatable lewd talks.”
(Tola comments) “Uncle, congrats o! No wonder, you have been very happy since.”
“Why would he not be happy? By the time the brilliant babe graduates from the University with flying colours, she will probably go and become First Lady to a pot-bellied governor.”
“That will be great! All I need do is to convert one of the Government House chalets into a club house, filled with assorted, eternally chilled beer.”
“And at the appropriate time, the EFCC will launch a manhunt for you and your in-law ex-governor, to answer to charges of illegal diversion of public funds, to beer drinking!”